Kid's Close Friendships: Helping Them Choose Wisely

(Originally published January 2012 on my previous blog.)

“The righteous choose their friends carefully but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”
Proverbs 12:26

”Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.” 1 Corinthians 15:33

You can’t choose your children’s friends but you can help them choose close friends wisely.  One of the things that my husband and I agreed on early in our marriage was that we would parent deliberately.  We thought about all of the ways people prepare and plan for big tasks in their lives- weddings, SAT’s, medical boards, driver’s licenses- and yet how easy it is to slide into parenting without a game plan.  So, we spend a lot of time talking about how and why we are doing the things we are doing with our children.  Each phase of life requires re-evaluation and preparation.  Time is so short with them and we want to be good stewards of the responsibility He’s given us. 

Friends are one of those areas.  When kids are little it’s easy to arrange playgroups and be aware of the people they interact with, especially other children.  But as they get older, it becomes a little more difficult.  We see in Proverbs and

1st Corinthians that God has plenty to say to us about friends and how we choose them.  These are important concepts to pass on to our children.  First of all, we are told to choose our friends carefully because otherwise we may be led astray.  Next, we are warned against being deceived into thinking we can be around bad company and not be affected.  Teenagers can be especially vulnerable to both of these pitfalls.

This is where we’ve started implementing some strategies that you may want to consider as well.

1.     Pray for close Christian friends for your children.  God has been so faithful to our family in this regard.  My daughter has had three close friends move in the past two years but each one moved in just as the other was moving out.  He provided friendships in His perfect timing.    He listens and knows the desires of your heart. 

2.     Cultivate family relationships.  Friendships are very important and should be encouraged but we always have to keep in mind that our relationships with siblings and parents will last a lifetime.  Many parents in the name of “letting their children grow up” actually let them grow away from the family during the teenage years.  They buy into the myth that kids can only mature outside of their parents. I believe it’s just the opposite.  Now is the time to give them as much freedom as possible while providing as much support and guidance as possible.  

3.     Be the gatekeeper for your children’s heart. You’re the parent.  You can set ground rules about who is allowed to influence them.  This is especially important for older children who are forming worldviews.  Encourage your children to be kind and loving to all but to be very selective when it comes to forming close friendships.  You can help by observing your children’s friends and keeping an open dialog with them about what’s going on with their friendships.  Don’t be deceived into thinking that your child won’t be affected by humanistic worldviews if that’s what they hear all day from the people they are around.   We’ve had to make some difficult decisions to remove our children from certain situations where negative influences were creeping in and it has been one of the best things we’ve ever done for them.

4.     Get involved in their lives and the lives of the kids they like to be with.  Make your house the cool place to be.   The safe place for friends to hang out.  If you are cultivating family relationships your children will likely enjoy spending time with you and sharing your family life with others.   This can also be a great opportunity to be a model and show love to your children’s friends.

5.     Keep communication open so kids will feel free to come to you with questions and concerns. When kids know that you have their best interest in mind, that you will love them no matter what, and that you will speak the truth, they have freedom to view you as their best advisor.  When kids decide that their parents aren’t really that wise, available or interested, they begin to listen to their peers more and get led astray.

6.     Guide them toward places where they will likely encounter friends who will build them up and encourage them to follow Christ.  As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.   This seems like a no brainer but if your kids aren’t around other Christians it can be hard to grow.  They don’t have to do things exclusively with Christians but the people they spend the most time with are going to influence them the most.  Jesus modeled this for us.  He was very selective about the friends he brought into his inner circle but he was loving to all and spent time investing in friendships with all sorts of people.  He was in the world but not of it.    Christian schools, home school groups, church, para-church organizations and school clubs are good places to find friends for your children’s hearts. 

7.     Have frank discussions about friendships.  What is a friend? What are important qualities in a friend?  How can you be a friend to others?  What kinds of people do you think you should let into your inner circle of folks who influence you?  How can you be a friend to those who believe very differently from you without compromising your faith?  

8.     Import friends.  Find like-minded families and get together.   There are other families out there who are parenting deliberately.  You’re not the only one who is choosing to use these teenage years to grow closer to your children rather than farther apart.  Find these families and cultivate relationships.  Do whatever you need to do to make it easy for your children to develop friendships with children you believe to be good influences. 

Again, you can’t choose your children’s friends for them but you can shape their environment so they have the tools in their box they need to make wise decisions about close friends.