Kid's Close Friendships: Helping Them Choose Wisely

(Originally published January 2012 on my previous blog.)

“The righteous choose their friends carefully but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”
Proverbs 12:26

”Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.” 1 Corinthians 15:33

You can’t choose your children’s friends but you can help them choose close friends wisely.  One of the things that my husband and I agreed on early in our marriage was that we would parent deliberately.  We thought about all of the ways people prepare and plan for big tasks in their lives- weddings, SAT’s, medical boards, driver’s licenses- and yet how easy it is to slide into parenting without a game plan.  So, we spend a lot of time talking about how and why we are doing the things we are doing with our children.  Each phase of life requires re-evaluation and preparation.  Time is so short with them and we want to be good stewards of the responsibility He’s given us. 

Friends are one of those areas.  When kids are little it’s easy to arrange playgroups and be aware of the people they interact with, especially other children.  But as they get older, it becomes a little more difficult.  We see in Proverbs and

1st Corinthians that God has plenty to say to us about friends and how we choose them.  These are important concepts to pass on to our children.  First of all, we are told to choose our friends carefully because otherwise we may be led astray.  Next, we are warned against being deceived into thinking we can be around bad company and not be affected.  Teenagers can be especially vulnerable to both of these pitfalls.

This is where we’ve started implementing some strategies that you may want to consider as well.

1.     Pray for close Christian friends for your children.  God has been so faithful to our family in this regard.  My daughter has had three close friends move in the past two years but each one moved in just as the other was moving out.  He provided friendships in His perfect timing.    He listens and knows the desires of your heart. 

2.     Cultivate family relationships.  Friendships are very important and should be encouraged but we always have to keep in mind that our relationships with siblings and parents will last a lifetime.  Many parents in the name of “letting their children grow up” actually let them grow away from the family during the teenage years.  They buy into the myth that kids can only mature outside of their parents. I believe it’s just the opposite.  Now is the time to give them as much freedom as possible while providing as much support and guidance as possible.  

3.     Be the gatekeeper for your children’s heart. You’re the parent.  You can set ground rules about who is allowed to influence them.  This is especially important for older children who are forming worldviews.  Encourage your children to be kind and loving to all but to be very selective when it comes to forming close friendships.  You can help by observing your children’s friends and keeping an open dialog with them about what’s going on with their friendships.  Don’t be deceived into thinking that your child won’t be affected by humanistic worldviews if that’s what they hear all day from the people they are around.   We’ve had to make some difficult decisions to remove our children from certain situations where negative influences were creeping in and it has been one of the best things we’ve ever done for them.

4.     Get involved in their lives and the lives of the kids they like to be with.  Make your house the cool place to be.   The safe place for friends to hang out.  If you are cultivating family relationships your children will likely enjoy spending time with you and sharing your family life with others.   This can also be a great opportunity to be a model and show love to your children’s friends.

5.     Keep communication open so kids will feel free to come to you with questions and concerns. When kids know that you have their best interest in mind, that you will love them no matter what, and that you will speak the truth, they have freedom to view you as their best advisor.  When kids decide that their parents aren’t really that wise, available or interested, they begin to listen to their peers more and get led astray.

6.     Guide them toward places where they will likely encounter friends who will build them up and encourage them to follow Christ.  As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.   This seems like a no brainer but if your kids aren’t around other Christians it can be hard to grow.  They don’t have to do things exclusively with Christians but the people they spend the most time with are going to influence them the most.  Jesus modeled this for us.  He was very selective about the friends he brought into his inner circle but he was loving to all and spent time investing in friendships with all sorts of people.  He was in the world but not of it.    Christian schools, home school groups, church, para-church organizations and school clubs are good places to find friends for your children’s hearts. 

7.     Have frank discussions about friendships.  What is a friend? What are important qualities in a friend?  How can you be a friend to others?  What kinds of people do you think you should let into your inner circle of folks who influence you?  How can you be a friend to those who believe very differently from you without compromising your faith?  

8.     Import friends.  Find like-minded families and get together.   There are other families out there who are parenting deliberately.  You’re not the only one who is choosing to use these teenage years to grow closer to your children rather than farther apart.  Find these families and cultivate relationships.  Do whatever you need to do to make it easy for your children to develop friendships with children you believe to be good influences. 

Again, you can’t choose your children’s friends for them but you can shape their environment so they have the tools in their box they need to make wise decisions about close friends.   

Snowy Slopes and Straining Sludge

The day after Christmas my family packed up and headed to Breckenridge for a day of skiing.  I have to admit that my number one goal for the day was to get to the end of it in one piece.  If I had some fun, great.  If not, wholeness would be it’s own reward.  Neither of my children had skied before so we went straight to the bunny slopes for some instruction.  We weren’t able to work out joint lessons with “real instructors” for the kids so my husband and I looked at each other and said, ”How hard could it be?”  We each took a child and systematically showed them the basics.  There was lots of instructing going on. “Look at me,”  “Watch this,”  “Do this,”  “Try this,”  “No, don’t do that”.  

All day. 

You get my drift.  (No pun intended.  Ok, pun was intended.  Forgive me.) 

My husband and I already know how to ski but never once did it cross our minds to say, “Hey  guys, here are some poles and skiis.  There’s the lift- good luck!”  Ok.  Maybe once but we thought better of it.  Anyway, later it got me thinking.  That’s exactly what some Christian parents are doing these days with their kids and media.  They’re driving them to the slopes and then letting them out with an iPad and a prayer.  Completely unprepared or trained navigate the slopes of our culture. 

How should Christians respond to the remarkably powerful influence of the media that floods our society?   

1. Know the Word.  This is far and away the most vital step.  In fact, none of the rest of it is going to do any good unless you have this foundation. Reading, studying , discussing and memorizing the Word, there’s just no way around it. Truth cannot be ascertained from Error if we don’t know the truth and have it residing in our in-most being.  This concept is so common it is almost cliché but bankers and FBI agents know what the counterfeits are because they study the real thing. Anything that varies from the true deal is deemed counterfeit.  Children must have this ability in order to wade through the sludge of this world.  You are investing in eternity when you make scripture memory a part of your child’s education. 

2. You can and you SHOULD set boundaries in the area of media consumption for your children.  

We need to teach our kids that we are stewards of our media engagement.  We don’ t have to watch all of this. We don’t have to listen to it.  We don’t have to play.  We don’t have to go.  Sure, we can’t hide out in little holes and hope we never have to touch the world.  It’s our responsibility to be aware of what’s going on in the culture, but we do not have to be immersed in it.  In fact, we shouldn’t be. I think that’s what Jesus was saying when he told us to be in the world but not of it.  Young people are particularly vulnerable to media.  That’s why it’s so crucial for parents to act like parents and set boundaries. 

There is such a dearth of good content (that resonates Biblically) out there in media-land that sometimes it’s tempting to let some pretty sludgy stuff into our lives.  (“it’s not as bad as XYZ show”) As parents, this is something we must constantly evaluate.  Just because tons of people watch something doesn’t make it acceptable to bring into the temple of our minds and hearts.  There’s no reason to take in sludge just because we have a strainer.  We need to learn to slow the media flow down and control it, instead of letting it control us.    Don’t consume as much garbage.  Our primary consumption of ideas  should come through the written word.

3.  Find a systematic mechanism to teach your children Christian worldview.     

Parents absolutely must be deliberate in the training of their children in Christian worldview.  Make no mistake, your children are learning a worldview whether you are officially  teaching it to them or not.  Everyone filters their ideas through some sort of grid and if you don’t give them a grid to use (the Bible) they will filter it through the grid of the world- of humanism, secularism, postmodernism, and whatever is being put forth by their teachers and the media.  I recommend a systematic approach because it will cover all of the basic apologetics of Christianity.  Your children need to have ready answers for questions such as “Is there is a God and if so, what is He like?” (All worldviews have an answer to this question) and “ Is there Absolute Truth? If so, what does this mean for me?” They need to be able to read an article in the newspaper or listen to a song on the radio or watch a commercial on TV and be able to answer the questions: What is being presented here?  Why does it have such a powerful attraction to people?  What is the truth?  How do I come up with a Truth-based answer to the culture? 

If you’re not confident about how you would answer these questions, now is the perfect time to educate yourself along with your kids.  Don’t shy away from teaching systematic worldview just because you don’t feel qualified.  Make it a priority and qualify yourself through education.   I recommend using The Truth Project for high schoolers and mature middle schoolers but there are scores of other resources out there.  Choose one and do it. 

  

4. Spend more time reading.   Reading is an analytical activity as opposed to media consumption, which is highly emotive. When you read, you have the ability to stop and think about what you have read.  Media just keeps going.  We should be reading more than watching and reading broadly as well as historically.  We must understand history from a Christian perspective. Every Christian parent  should be able to give an intelligent answer to their children when they ask: “how did we get to this point in our culture?”  If you are a bit rusty on your history of the world from Ancient Rome to Postmodern times, I highly recommend getting a highlighter and copy of “How Should We Then Live” by Francis Schaeffer and reading it this weekend.  He has written an excellent and concise analysis of what he calls “The Rise and Decline of Western Thought and Culture”.  It should be required reading for all Christian high schoolers and those who wish to understand these times.  As George Santayana, an American philosopher and poet said, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”  It’s shocking how predictable the future of cultural norms is when you understand the past.

Thankfully, many Christian families have embraced the idea of reading as entertainment (i.e. reading excellent literature aloud even into the upper grades) and of getting back to the “great books” of the Western Canon.  This is the foundation of the Classical Education movement, especially in home schools and Christian schools.  As a result, there are many more children reading and thinking critically about the future in light of the past.  I find this very encouraging considering the times in which we live.

Nutty but fun.  

So,  where are you in all of this?  Take some time and evaluate your readiness as far as training your kids to respond Biblically  to media and the culture.  If you're on track, keep moving in the right direction and if you haven't left the station, get going.  Wherever you are, God will give you the insight and strength to train you children if you surrender to him and give Him control of this area of your life.

We're all in process.  I'd love to hear where you are and how God is working in you as you train your children in responding Biblically to media and the culture. 

Got Adolescents? Passport2Purity is a Key Resource

There are some pivotal life choices made during the ages of 11-15.  That's one reason my husband and I decided to be very deliberate about setting our children up for success in navigating these often tumultuous years.  Just like most Christian parents, we have been actively training them from the time they were born, and praying for them each step of the way.  It is our heart's desire that they know the Lord and that they walk in the fullness of life they can have in Him all the days of their lives.  We want to help them understand the wisdom of following the precepts God lays out in the Bible.  We always remind them that they can learn things two ways, through personal experience or through other people's personal experience.  Not all lessons have to be learned the hard way.  Wisdom means hearing and heeding the advice and council of those who are further down the road and especially of God.

The best time to think about where you stand on sex, drugs, smoking,  bullying, and inappropriate activities is not when you walk in the door to a party or get confronted with a choice.  These are things kids need to discuss with their parents in a safe, open environment  way ahead of time.

Many parents dread the "big conversation" they know they need to have with their kids before it's too late.  We've been having age appropriate conversations with our kids as the topic of sex comes up but at some point, we knew we would need to lay out the facts clearly from God's perspective and help them think through the boundaries they wanted to set for themselves.   For both of our children, when they reached the age of 12 we  did some "official training."  By that, I mean we used specially made "so now you're growing up" guides during long weekends.  For our son, we used Preparing for Adolescence (Focus on the Family) and for our daughter we used Passport 2 Purity (Dennis and Barbara Rainey- Family Life).  Both of these were excellent experiences for parent and child alike.

Our  Passport2Purity weekend was truly one to remember.  A few weeks beforehand, I made reservations at a fancy hotel here in Hawaii and started previewing the materials.  I listened to the parent CD's and gathered the materials I needed for the five activities that went with the sessions.  About a week before, I told my daughter that we would be going on a weekend, just the two of us and that we would be having lots of fun and also discussing important stuff she needed to know about growing up.

Our big weekend finally came and we headed off in the car to have a special dinner together at a restaurant.  While we were there, I explained what we were doing a little more and gave her an Adventure Journal- which was part of the curriculum.  I also read letters to her that my husband and I had written telling her how proud we were of her and how important it was to us to help her grow up to be a young lady who loved the Lord.

We left the dinner and started listening to the CD in the car.   Dennis and Barbara Rainey have a very thoughtful, conversational style that is easy to listen to.  They pepper their talks with examples, anecdotes, humor and wisdom.  It isn't stuffy or boring.  This was the first of five sessions in which Dennis and Barbara Rainey lay out the plan for the weekend and build a foundation of the importance of recognizing God's word as the authority in our lives.

To emphasize the point of each session, the Rainey's gave instructions for a one-on-one activity that a parent can do with a child.  For this first session, I bought two different 100 piece puzzles.  One I left in the box and the other I took out of the box and put into a Chinese takeout container- minus a few pieces.  Then I announced that we were going to have a silent race to see who could finish their puzzle first and set the timer for 10 minutes.  You can imagine the frustration she felt when she realized that she didn't even know what she was supposed to be putting together- there was no picture to go by!  Of course, I got more of my puzzle done than she did, although she was a really good sport about it.  The point of the lesson was that  no matter where we go or what we do, God has given us His word as a guide.  The Bible is like our box top for all areas of life.  Without the guide, life doesn't make sense.  

God's Word is like a puzzle box top.

  Then we listened to session two which was about Peer Pressure and Running with the Herd. They encouraged kids to stay on the right track and influence others with positive peer pressure instead of succumbing to negative peer pressure.   During these sessions, the parent and child follow along in their respective books and the child fills in a few blanks as she listens.  These were thought provoking questions at the end of each session and they guided us into some very important conversations.  

I had prepared a few small gifts to give my daughter, just to say, I love you.  Each one was chosen because I knew she would appreciate it.  I wrapped these up and every couple of sessions, she would open one.  

On Saturday we had a nice breakfast and then did session three, Growing to Sexual Maturity.  Yes, there was some squirming but the Raineys did a great job of presenting the facts and they made it easy to continue to keep conversation open about these issues. (There is a separate CD track for boys.)  My favorite part of this discussion was when she asked me- "So...there are two of us kids... so you guys have done this TWICE?"  Funny, that's the same thing I remember wondering when my mom talked to me when I was a girl.  :)

After that conversation we were ready for some fun so we went to the pool and  took a walk on the beach.   

Beach wedding and beach bums.

Session four was "Staying Pure" which discussed establishing boundaries in life.  Finally, "It's a Date!", the last session, dealt with dating- sharpening convictions about dating and why parents need to be involved.  This last session was an important one because after presenting ways to stay pure and set boundaries, Dennis and Barbara give the kids an opportunity to make some decisions proactively- before they are in a difficult situation.  This was a very positive session for us.  My daughter was able to think through some issues, come to conclusions and convictions and cement them by writing them out in her journal.  I gave her a special necklace to help her remember the weekend and the decisions she made.  

To top our weekend off, we went out to eat and then to the theater to see a local production of The Phantom of the Opera.  It was fabulous. 

I knew that this weekend would be an important rite of passage but I didn't realize how much it would mean to my daughter.  When we came home after The Phantom, she was overcome with emotion and said that she felt loved and knew that she had two parents who were fully committed to helping her successfully make her way through whatever the future held.  The relatively small amount of time we invested in proactively preparing her for the challenges of adolescence and the teen years was already reaping the benefit of a closer connection with our daughter.

Have you used Passport2Purity?  I'd love to hear how your weekend went.