This morning after pressing delete a zillion times as I scrolled through the junk e-mail I received overnight, I stopped at one that completely intrigued me. It read:
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Now that I am starting into retirement and a fixed income, you are going to need to stop using our Exxon card. Sorry but I need to budget more tightly.
Dad
Sent from my iPhone
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Seeing as my dad's name isn't the same as the writer of this e-mail , and the fact that I haven't used my dad's Exxon card in 24 years, it seemed to me that I was probably not the intended recipient. I checked it out online and deduced that it was from a from real person and not some kind of scam. Clearly, this was a case where a dad guessed his son's e-mail and got it almost right but not all the way right--so it ended up in my box.
So much was said in this little e-mail. Not so much in the words but between the lines. So much to infer! There's no salutation or mentioning of the son's name and no warm send off.
If I was guessing I'd say that things are probably not all great at the Circle K. I read it aloud to the kids and we started thinking about who these folks could be, what the relationship was like and what led to the situation whereby the dad sent the son this curt e-mail. As happens often in our house, the conversation started to take all kinds of twists and turns as we started to weave a picture of how things might be. We decided that this might make an interesting creative writing prompt and so we ditched the day's English lesson and focused on our reply.
First, we all agreed that what we should have replied was:
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Sir, you appear to have the wrong e-mail address.
Good day.
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However after much thought and entirely too much laughter here's what we finally sent off into the interwebs.
Dad,
I immediately stopped using the Exxon Card as you asked, but I did
make a few purchases that will show up on your next bill that you should know
about. You raised me to be tenderhearted and generous and I know you
would have done the same things I did.
I completely understand
about budgeting and being on a fixed income. You’re very wise to spend your money so carefully.
I met a real sweet girl at the Flying J in Minot, North Dakota. She's a trucker
with a nice triple digit ride but she's broke as a church mouse. She said she
was on her way to Beantown but needed a fill up for her big rig, which was
running on fumes. I hope you don't mind but I helped her out and filled
up her tank. While I was doing that I noticed that her tires were looking
a little ratty so I bought her a new set. She really goes for the bling
so I got the ones with the spinning spikes on them for the cab. After
thanking me profusely (I told you she was sweet) we decided to go out for
dinner. I suggested Denny's but she said she'd eaten there last week and
she was thinking more like Ruth's Chris. Never heard of it , but
whatever. Holy Moly I didn't know there were baked potatoes out there that
were worth $17.00! This one sure was though. Delicious. (I
did order it with extra bacon- that added to the cost- totally worth it.)
While we were eating, I found out that she has two kids back
in Beantown. Cute as a button but both of them need dental work.
The older one needs a little psychiatric attention as well. I set
them up with an orthodontist and 6 months of family sessions with a shrink in
Boston (the family plan was cheaper than individual plans).
She's really a girl after my own heart, Dad. Can you
believe she's a Labradoodle lover just like me! Her Labradoodle is named
Coco. Poor dog is sick though. Cancer. (I know, it's
terrible.) Along with weeping allergic skin disease, bloat and urinary
tract infections. Poor thing finally succumbed to the cancer though.
Of course, she has no way to pay for all those medical expenses, much
less a proper burial. I didn't either, so I put it on the card. She
was heartbroken as you can imagine so I bought her a new Labradoodle puppy. Same
color and everything. Still, it won't bring Coco back.
As you can imagine, the events surrounding the untimely demise of
Coco turned this sweet lady into a complete wreck. She's was just
exhausted and needed a bit of a break. I suggested she get a mani-pedi at
the Curly-Q Salon here in Minot but she said that Maui was really nice this
time of year and they have great salons there. Never heard of Maui, but
whatever. Apparently it's too far to drive so she needed plane fare for
her (and the kids, of course). Sounded reasonable so I obliged.
Apparently there's no Motel 6 on Maui but she booked a suite for 5 nights at
the Four Seasons. Whatever. I put that on the card too.
Can you believe she still uses a flip phone? I didn't' even
realize those existed anymore. Of course I have an old Nokia so what do I know?
We went to the local Apple store and got her hooked up with an iPhone 5S
gold version. The girl has great taste. I put the data plan and unlimited
texting on your card also. That will be be billed monthly with a two year
contract. On our way out, the
Apple "genius" suggested that we checked out the new MacBook
Pro with retina display, 1TB of flash storage and 2.6 gigahertz quad-core Intel
I7 processor with Turbo boost. I wanted to go, but she was really
enjoying her time away from the Flying J. Next thing I knew, I bought 3
of those darn things! Good thing she's so sweet.
She doesn't think she'll be able to make it back to Beantown to see
her kids by Christmas so I suggested that she send them a Christmas card.
She got all quiet and looked at me with these big puppy dog eyes.
How could I resist? I got on Amazon that afternoon and sent those
cuties some Matte Black Dr. Dre Studio Beats, iPads a trampoline (hope
their mom won't mind) and a Twister game ( I love Twister). Then I
remembered that they live with their MeeMaw so I threw in a Snuggie and some
therapeutic socks for her.
I really had a nice time with this girll. She eventually left
for Beantown and said she'd catch me on the flip flop. Imagine my shock when I
realized she skipped out on me. Haven’t see hide nor hair or her since. I
still have her phone number (from when I bought her that phone) but she never
picks up.
I guess I should give you an itemized list of charges so you won't
fall over when you get the bill. Are you sitting down?
Flying J Big-Rig fill up - $900
Bridgestone- 18 wheeler tire set-$18,000
Tire spikes $150
Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, Minot, ND-$200 (extra bacon on baked potato
was $7! Sheesh)
Boston Smiles Orthodontist
$10,000
Boston Psychiatric Associates
6 months of family sessions -$2600
Minot Veterinary services
Tumor
removal- $1500
Radiation
treatment- $6,000
Antibiotics
$18
Acme
Dog cream- $50
A Bit of Heaven Pet Cemetery
Custom
Plot- $1000
20
year pre paid maintenance fee $700
Pink
Pet casket $280 (includes color interior with pillow and blanket)
Headstone-$300
Pets R Us
Labradoodle
puppy $2500
30
lbs Blue Buffalo Life Protection Dog food- $50
Water
bowl- $20
Dog
Diapers (starter set) $20
Squeaky Dog
Toy-$5
Delta Airlines
3 airfare
from Minot to Kahalui $3423
Four Seasons Resort at Wailea
Suite
for 5 nights $4864
Apple Store
Iphone
5S gold 32 gig $749
Data
plan and unlimited texting (billed monthly) $50
3 MacBook Pros with retina display, 1TB of flash storage and 2.6
gigahertz quad-core Intel I7 processor with Turbo boost- $9,000
Amazon
2 Dr.
Dre Beats $600
2
16 gig Ipad air $1,050
15'
Skywalker round trampoline $600
Twister-
$18
Snuggie
(Pink- size Large)- $10
Women's Therapeutic
socks- $18.99
Total: $53,200.99
Sorry if this blows the budget for last month. I won't be
charging anything else to the Exxon card. Merry Christmas.
Your son.
Hoping that our reply met up with a person with a sense of humor we added:
Sir,
As you have probably gathered, your e-mail did not reach your
intended recipient. I have the same name as your recipient but I am not
your son. In fact, I am a middle aged woman with two children. They
helped me craft this reply. Hope it made you smile.
Getting a reply back from the wrong e-mail
address: priceless
